Acknowledging the pain
This last week has been rough. So many things were shared and forgotten memories remembered. Normally when I have a bad memory pop up I focus really hard on distracting myself. I couldn't handle thinking about any of it. I've had to acknowledge so many things and I'm left feeling numb, sad and insecure. I'm incredibly blessed by the encouragement though. So many people have messaged me, commented on my posts, sent friend requests just so they could tell me they're reading my blog, and today a friend from church gave me a hug and was so sweet. These are the things that get me through this. Thank you for all the love you are showing me. I couldn't do this without you. The hardest thing for me to distract myself from is this really awful dirty feeling. It's overwhelming. I feel nauseous and weak. The parts of my body that Drew touched are uncomfortable and make me wish I could remove them. I don't know what triggers it. It can overtake me in the middle of doing dishes, eating dinner, laughing at something stupid and during intimate moments. Not just with my husband but even while I'm hugging my kids. It's the same feeling I got when Drew was pinning me down until I reached orgasm. I feel gross, ugly, angry at my body for not giving in to him despite what my mind wanted and everything comes to a stop. Sometimes it passes quickly. Sometimes the feeling is so strong I have to just lay down and wait. It's the closest thing to a flashback I experience. When it happens all I can see is Drew using me. I don't know what it's going to take to get past this part. I don't know if I ever will. It's hands down the hardest thing to overcome for me. It strikes at random and drags me down. I absolutely hate it. It's such a lonely feeling because it's nearly impossible to convey just how sickening it feels. But blogging about it helps. Sharing these things with you help. I don't know how far these blogs are reaching. I know sharing my story has impacted a few others I know with similar stories. I hope it reaches men and women who need to read about someone that knows what it's like. When I learned that someone close to me went through a horrific childhood like mine I immediately took comfort knowing I wasn't alone. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, it means a lot to me.