Loss and confusion

I feel weird today. I had a few things I was going to talk about today but I'm so distracted with everything that I was dealing with yesterday. I didn't expect to ever find out what he was up to. I figured he was dead or homeless and most likely in Vegas. He moved to a small town outside of Vegas after my grandma died. You know how you can want so many things from a situation? I wanted him to be dead. I wanted the chance to talk to him, or write him a letter. I don't know exactly what I would say to him. I wanted the chance to mercilessly beat him. As I'd gotten older I started to fight. I'd scream and yell. I'd do anything to make him miserable. I was hurt and furious with him. Last month marked the 19th year since I've seen him. He was here for a visit and we'd been driving around town. We had just gotten back to my house from putting air in my bike tires. He'd been pushing my buttons all day. I'd tell myself I wasn't going to give him what he wanted and start screaming, but in the end I'd be overcome with rage and start tearing into him. Once I lost it he'd say, "You're so cute when you're mad" and I'd freak out even more. It was an ugly cycle. As we pulled up to my house he had said that to me. I got out of the car and slammed the door. That pissed him off. He rushed up behind me and grabbed me, said never to slam the door on him again. Then we noticed that my door was unlocked because the maintenance guy was in the kitchen fixing something. Drew didn't like other men being around me so he stayed in the house until the guy had finished. Then Drew started antagonizing me all over again. He'd talk about the things he wanted to do to me. What he wanted me to do to him. He'd say nasty things about my friends. I continued on screaming and yelling, eventually started throwing things at him. And he'd just smile and keep pushing. Finally I started vacuuming so I couldn't hear him. He left shortly after and wanted a hug and kiss. I refused. After I watched him drive away I called my best friend. I had told her a little bit about the things Drew did early in our friendship. She heard me crying and said "I'm calling your mom!". That was it. Suddenly cut off from this part of my life that caused so much pain. Finding out he was dead has confused me beyond belief. My thoughts are everywhere. I wanted so many things but never thought it was possible. Then to find out he died only 3 years ago made me so mad! I hoped he was alive but I figured he'd died so long ago. He was walking around a city 2 hours away from me for 16 years! I wish I had asked for help in searching for him so I could have the chance to track him down and find out if he remembers me. It probably seems so strange that I care about that so much. I can't explain it. I hate that he's dead before I could lose it on him one more time. I keep picturing him getting struck by those cars and having his life flash before him. If I passed through his mind what did he feel? I hate being stuck here with all the memories of him, remembering the feel of his hands on me, knowing I'll never forget it. With him alive I at least had hope he suffered daily from regret. It's so hard to have these things in my head and remembering so many specific things, but being the only person left to remember. I think on them and feel so much pain and sadness. What did he feel when he thought about it? I know it's possible he had no regrets and would do it all over again, so I don't know why I'm so bothered by this.


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