Friday, September 6, 2013
Back in June I joined a gym. I've gone maybe 5 times. Each time I get ready to go I get nervous and terrified of people seeing me. I don't look good in anything and I have a second chin that bounces when I move. My husband kept encouraging me to go in such a sweet way. I felt bad for not going, and I know he doesn't understand the turmoil that I go through at the thought of it. I try to explain it but it's impossible to convey the emotions to someone who hasn't experienced it. My story is so typical in a million ways, but feels so exclusive. There are countless people who deal with the emotional pain. The expectancy to fail. The physical frustration. And the embarrassment. By going to the gym I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm fat and I'm putting my failure on display. I worry people are going to call me out on it. Or stare. One day I was helping my kids out of the car after a long day of errands when I heard a preteen boy chant at me "I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm really really fat". It sent me back to the days in second grade and beyond when kids would tease me. I thought "I'm 29, I don't need to react to this. I have a husband and kids who love me, friends that love me, all kinds of people who accept me as I am". But it didn't matter to the hurt little girl. Nothing has changed in all that time. Kids are vicious and don't usually care if they hurt feelings. I'm still an insecure mess that knows I don't live up to societies expectation of women. I'm still the abused girl that was compared to porn stars. I'm still the daughter that came home fat one day after visiting family in another state. I've accepted now that these things will never leave me. However, I'm tired of letting it hold me back. I'm determined more than ever to make a life change and live the way God intended. I'm tired of using the past hurts as a crutch. I'm done feeling comfortable in my insecurities and sadness. I know it's weird to be comfortable there, but when it's all you've let yourself feel, everything else feels awkward. So I've joined the Thinner Winner challenge at my gym. It's six weeks of my life where I can learn what I need to know to be successful. It's going to be hard, no doubt about it, but I'm over living my life the way I have. Six weeks from now I want to be able to say "I may be fat, but I'm loved by my God, my family, and(...here's where things will be different...)I love myself".
Friday, August 16, 2013
I've been wanting to blog for a really long time. Each time I've started I chicken out and delete the post. But this time, I'm going to do it. I was waiting until I thought of a specific topic that I felt passionate about, but I'm done waiting. So, here is my first post. I've dipped my toe in the water and I hope I like it.