Insecurity and fear of balloons

Drew liked to talk about my appearance, a lot. He was very opinionated. If my mom bought me clothes he didn't like he'd tell me I looked fat. If I had a hairdo he didn't like he'd say she should have left my hair alone, then he'd try to fix it. If I was going to be spending the weekend with them and he didn't like the clothes I brought, he'd take me shopping and pick out the things he liked. Nothing risque, but it was always from the adult section. He always wanted me to look older than I was. If my grandma wasn't with us he'd joke with me and hold up some lingerie when we passed by the underwear. He had every intention on buying me those things as I got older and started developing boobs. He confused me so much because he would make me feel like I was fat and ugly. Yes, I was a chubby kid and not the prettiest, but what kid needs to be reminded that they're unattractive. He told me over and over and over again nobody would love me as much as him which confused me because if he didn't like the way I looked, how could he love me so much. And why would he want to do the things he did. Between hearing you're fat and ugly and being shown periodically what "men liked" I felt like I'd never be appealing. I know pretty much every person had a time when they realized society wants you to look a certain way. But he took me past what was socially appealing to what is sexually arousing. Being part hawaiian I had no hope of having shiny blonde hair, delicate calves and a tiny waist. I sunk into a depression and turned to food for comfort, which only made things worse for me. He'd look at me in disgust as I ate 4 waffles for breakfast. When we went out to eat I'd have an adult meal and probably dessert. He made sure I ate it all then made me feel bad for eating so much. But he was the one who would give me these things. One year for Christmas he bought me a Nordick Track exercise machine. It was big and awkward. I used it because if I didn't he'd guilt me about the money he spent on it. I wanted to lose weight but it's hard when you're 7 and in that situation. I still struggle with my appearance. I know I don't fit the worlds definition of pretty or have the body that "is attractive to men". Ask Brandon, he'd tell you just how much I hated myself. It wasn't until this summer that I got fed up with it all. If Drew wasn't focused on how I looked he'd find something else to tease me about. I don't know what prompted him to do this but he'd follow me around the house with a balloon and a needle. I never knew when he was going to pop it. Sometimes it was soon as he'd catch up, other times he'd sit in his recliner waiting for hours before he popped the damn thing. I know this probably seems silly, but this is why I hate balloons. I try to be reasonable when people have them around, but it's a lot of work. And when people tease me with balloons I'm immediately back in his house waiting for him to get it over with. I know now that if I hadn't reacted to his teasing he probably would've stopped. By freaking out I gave him what he wanted. But I didn't understand that then.

Comments

  1. Wish I could give you a big hug right now. Not sure if that is what you need. I love you.

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  2. I never considered the possibility of such dark origins for peoples' triggers, like balloons. Having read your post today, I've learned not to make light of such things. Thank you for that. Xoxo

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