Self-loathing

Drew really confused me. He treated me nicely. He'd do things to keep me happy. He had me convinced that everyone else was out to harm me. He always had my best interest in mind. He said I could always talk to him about anything. He'd always be there for me. He bought me so many things. If I saw a commercial for a new toy and wanted it, we'd go straight to the store. Eventually he started to bribe me. Sometimes it was with toys or clothes, other times it was with food and treats. When I was a little older I knew without a doubt that what he was doing was wrong. I also knew I had no control over what he did. So I began demanding specific things. Bikes, roller blades, Barbie houses. Doing this made me feel like I had a little control. I hated that I'd get rewards for the abuse but I felt stuck in it and I got to a point where I had to accept that I wasn't able to stop him. I had two choices. I could either keep on going through abuse, just do what he said when he said to do it. Or I could make demands, fight, argue and try to control him the best I could. I tried fighting him off a few times. I learned quickly that it was a terrible idea. I couldn't win. He was obviously stronger than me and he'd get me pinned to the bed or the floor. Then he'd take longer with what he wanted to do. His usual activity was to reach orgasm then he'd leave me alone. But if I fought him he wouldn't stop until I did too. I'd argue with him and pick fights in hopes he'd be too mad to want me for anything. The result was the same. Forced into an orgasm. Like I said a few posts ago, I would fight the urge but he wouldn't let go of me until I did so I would give in. Being manipulated and controlled into an orgasm, at an age when you aren't even supposed to know what that is, is just awful. I was confused with the feelings I had. I absolutely hated it. I hated that he could do that to me. I hated that at times I wanted it. (I don't know why I feel so compelled to share this. This is horribly difficult and makes me feel nasty. But it's part of what I experienced so I have to talk about it.) Drew always said he'd convince me I wanted it. He'd show me that I liked the things he did to me. I can't express enough how much I hated the complete lack of control I had. Not being able to fight him off was bad enough. Not being able to stop myself from giving in has always tormented me. I remember one time after a long argument with him I admitted to it feeling good. I immediately regretted it. I wished I could take away all of the good feelings. As the abuse was happening I was scared and felt ashamed that my body was going to give in. Once I climaxed I felt disgusting, shameful and hated myself. I wish I could forget that admission. He was so pleased with himself. He was convinced I wanted it from him. And I was so confused because I hated the abuse and I wanted it to stop. I feel by admitting that it felt good just caused more abuse. For the most part I don't blame myself for what he did. But I blame myself for making it worse. I blame myself for giving him more reason to touch me. I can still see his stupid satisfied smile when I admitted it and I wish I could shoot him. I've always felt disgusting for how I physically responded to his touch. It's hard not to feel like I played a part in my abuse. I didn't want to like it. I didn't want to admit it to him. I didn't know how to tell him that while it felt good physically, it was tearing me apart in every other way. I never said anything about liking it again. And I always stayed still and quiet so he'd think it didn't affect me. But it often did and he always knew without me saying a word.

Comments

  1. I have spent many hours pouring over your blog. You don't know me personally, but in many ways we could have the same life. I want to thank you, for the first time in so. So many years I felt myself let go of that breath that's been tearing me up inside. You are the reason I feel this normal. We are not disgusting and never have been, we were surviving and still are. I look forward to seeing more.

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  2. I have spent many hours pouring over your blog. You don't know me personally, but in many ways we could have the same life. I want to thank you, for the first time in so. So many years I felt myself let go of that breath that's been tearing me up inside. You are the reason I feel this normal. We are not disgusting and never have been, we were surviving and still are. I look forward to seeing more.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bailey, I'm so happy you found my blog and that you were able to let that breath go. Holding it in and stuffing every emotion down became more natural to me than anything else. I don't want anyone to have to go through that. Feeling isolated and misunderstood, scared to reach out to someone, it's all so hard. And people,even your loved ones, don't quite grasp the depth of the pain and lengths you'll go to bury it deep. Finding that person, even if you don't know them, makes you realize you're not alone. I'm thankful I was able to blog through it all to help you.

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